the love of my life, my twin flame, is going to marry someone else in 2 months’ time. i’m invited to the wedding, and i have to attend.
how could i possibly not? i’m engaged to someone else too, and he loves me so much. there’s no reason to decline attending, but i have to keep it together then, especially when he’s reciting his vows.
it’s not anything emotional, he says. he treasures me in his life, he trusts that i have his back and him, mine. we are one, he says. but nothing emotional. we have to stop this, he says, you have a house coming along. you’re getting married, i say, did you forget that.
i want to fucking leave. run away from everything and be alone. away from this mess that consumes me every single damn day, with no one for me to turn to. because if they knew, i can’t stand feeling any more disappointment from anyone else. i have enough of that in my life right now.
it’s something so so so wrong, but why do I feel perfectly fine? if anything, I feels as if it’s meant to be - something that I should rightfully experience.
I’m painfully confused. I shouldn’t expect anything: it’s likely not going to evolve into anything, right? lines are so very blurred and boundaries have long been crossed. we’re into awful dangerous territory here, but this is the first time in my life I’ve ever felt so fucking alive.
I know I’m not being fair to anyone - not even myself - and I don’t know what to do. a large part of me just wants to keep this going and see where it leads to, but deep down I can already visualise that everything may go to shit. am I prepared for that? I don’t know.
right now, I’m need to tell myself not to expect anything from him. he’s not obliged to me at all. lay low, don’t be too forward; my candour and honesty will be the death of me. I’ve been through this and I don’t want to experience the same pain - once bitten, twice shy.
really don’t know how everything will evolve (or regress) from here. but that’s the whole fun of it, right?
it’s 2020. shit’s happening. I completed my last semester of school - ever. it’s a time I’ve always looked forward to since young. then COVID-19 struck and everything shattered. my graduation ceremony got postponed. jobs were lost. most of my friends are currently unemployed upon uni graduation. but I was fortunate and blessed enough to land a job in my ideal industry - not to mention, with a higher than average pay - much thanks to my past hustling.
I write this as I enjoy what seems to be my last day before adulting life begins. and I’m terrified. for someone who’s obsessed with being in control and has her life planned out all the time, I’m not sure how everything’s going to pan out and that scares me, very very much. I’ve had my fair share of work and internship experiences, but there’s just something about officially entering the workforce that is so elusive, so exciting, so nerve-racking - I can’t pinpoint an exact emotion that sufficiently encapsulates all that I’m feeling right now.
but if there’s one thing that 2020 has taught me so far, is that I have to let it go, and have faith in Him. the last 2 months have got to be one of the lowest points of my life. self-doubt and insecurities crept in, and I was having breakdowns almost twice every week. apparently that’s what a global health crisis can do to me (lol now I know). though through it all, if there was one absolute truth that I was clinging onto, it was that God will not fail me. and that alone kept me going.
in my next phase of life, I just have to do the best I can - no matter what it may be. but God, teach me to stay grounded no matter what, to constantly look up to you in both good and bad times, and to keep my eyes fixed upon what’s important in life. Amen.
seems like this is the only place where I can pen my deepest, darkest thoughts. it’s just sad I don’t actually talk about such stuff with people around me - even my closest friends, and my boyfriend. though I’m not sad because they don’t care, but because I don’t actually want to share much with them. I find it pointless. what can they say - “don’t be sad, I’ll always be here for you”? I don’t need advice. I don’t need encouragement. I just need an outlet to air it all out - I’ll deal these issues with myself afterwards. because who else can?
lately i’ve been feeling like fraud, like in all aspects of my life.
I’ve been having an obsession to pile up my resume with numerous positions since 3 years ago. I thought it’d be a great way to ensure finding a cushy job upon my graduation. but no matter the list of internships I have, i’m just so afraid of people exposed as someone who actually isn’t great at what she’s doing. was it counterproductive to have applied for so many internships? now people would expect me to be capable, knowledgeable and competent. especially my parents. they see my as this independent person who deals with her own shit. I guess I do, which is why i cannot stray from this entire act of holding everything together. but I’m not, or at least i think? I don’t know. maybe I am, but i sure as heck don’t feel that way.
I’ve been facing a spiritual drought throughout my whole uni life. yet I was taught to seek God in times of need since young. I do try, but it’s really really tough when oftentimes you feel like you’re simply talking to the wind. even during sharing sessions I say things that are politically correct. “yes, we should always turn to Him. we have to rid ourselves of earthly things. forgive others just as He has forgiven You.” I was brought up to believe in these teachings, but right now I’m not so sure if i even do anymore. there’s always this internal struggle I have - perhaps the Holy Spirit in me isn’t giving up just yet, fighting through my skepticism to push me to continue going to church. a huge part of Christianity comes from its community, and I just don’t feel comfortable with sharing these “politically incorrect” thoughts with them. I know it goes against everything my faith stands for, but sometimes I don’t feel like I’m “fit” to be a Christian. like I don’t belong.
and I think I make a shitty life partner too - I don’t know if he thinks the same but he probably will soon, or is starting to. like I don’t feel the inclination to go the extra mile to make him feel real happy. I do whatever that is within my comfort zone. I mean, he’s grateful and appreciates these little things, but I know I can do better. i just don’t bother to. it’s like, okay if he’s pleased with this, then I’ll do the bare minimum. that shouldn’t be the case right? I love him, i really do. I want to make him happy - but on my own terms. he still is, he still says “I love you” back and all. but now I’m questioning if there’s more to it than this. maybe one day he’ll meet someone who he thinks deserves his love better than me. or am I overthinking?
I’m beginning to think the worst of myself in everything I do. there’s so much more than can be done - but I just don’t care or am capable to do these things. which makes me feel like a fraud in all these areas of my life. I’m just not that person everyone makes me out to be. if all of them could read this post, I’d bet no one would believe it came from me. because this is totally not who I am in the real world.
lol then there’s the part about me needing help. do these thoughts warrant an appointment with a therapist? I really don’t know. well, I guess I’m not there yet emotionally. I still can contain it within myself, though it’s really a surprise how I can come to function this far without actually expressing all this to anyone. I don’t know. i’m a mess. my thoughts are jumbled everywhere. I feel like I might just break down any moment. but I cannot, I simply can’t. I have to hold it together, for myself and for everyone around me. i don’t want their sympathy. I’m fine. I’m trying to be.
It’s been a long time since I last wrote, and by wrote I mean pouring my heart and soul into words that I string together on the computer. It’s easy to write - I write for work all the time - but to materialise my thoughts onto something permanent (at least in the cyber world)? Not so much.
Because every time I write here, it only means one thing - I’m no longer in my comfort zone. And I freaking hate feeling this way. I want to be nonchalant about the world, but shit happens and I have to feel.
Today I’m feeling overwhelmed. Not in the ‘I want to break down and cry’ way, but rather in the subtle, quiet manner that only reverberates within the four walls of my mind - which is precisely why I’m here. I don’t want to share my burden with anyone else.
I’m looking into the future and all I can think of is, how am I going to do it? I’m only one person, and I cannot be the only sane one that holds everything together. Everyone assumes I have my shit together, and I guess they’re not wrong. But when that one individual has to handle everything, it’s bloody scary and scary for sure.
I hope you’ll still be my by side when this happens, because God knows I need an even sane-r mind with me to get through it - someone who has his shit together more than me, and I cannot think of anyone better than you to hold my hand when I face this.
